Tampons in Skirts

Tampax launch their new "dog and dress lovers" range: 3.23pm, yesterday.

Given that I have about 36 minutes left before I have to re-earn my advertising crust (well, the soggy bread of direct marketing to be strictly honest, but I've never been one to let small details get in the way), I've been making a vague attempts at paying attention to what's going on on the small screen these days.

I'm heartened to see that little appears to have changed when it comes to the 30 second product push. The genius of Cilit Bang and Barry Scott are still doing their shouty thing, JML continue to forge innovatively ahead with their bemusing pet mit and full body stocking range, and all brands of tampons are still offering us the chance to take up a slice of la dolce vita.

Now then, it's quite an expensive business, this being a woman thing. Even if you happen to have a small squeaky child that sucks up your cash like an ice-cold camel in Alex, there's still the essentials that you need to splash out on. Sadly for me, sparkly bikinis, heels and handbags are now off the obligatory list, but I have been known to indulge in the occasional bout of hair cutting, food shopping and, um, sanitary protection over the past year.

Naturally, the humble tampon is big business in the UK. With over £370 million a year spent on the blighters (and not just by my good self, I might stress), it's no surprise that the ads literally tumble over themselves to try and persuade us that buying their particular brand will meet our every need.

Perhaps I should just stop watching Channel 5, but I am quite glad to see that they're no longer just amazing at soaking up some suspiciously blue coloured liquid and, in fact, can be a truly life-enhancing choice. After all, I've often fancied being able to stroll out and stop a line of traffic with the flick of my hand, jump in the back of a pick up truck whilst a high-pitched Diva sings “wooooahh” dramatically in the background, and serenely fling my pants out of a New York window as I stand there, gorgeously flaunting my Agent Provocateur's. So thank heavens that the TV and the ad men are there to show me how to do it.

I have to confess though, some of the products do seem a little, well odd. Tampax's scented range, for example, may have appealed to some but, quite frankly, made me feel all a bit confused and itchy. Thankfully, to relieve the itch, it's good to know you can now buy a towel made virtually from pure silk, or perhaps go for the exciting, and somewhat bewildering “tampon in a skirt” option. Sadly, there's no available explanation as to why you might need to go out with your tampon all suited and booted, but presumably it's something to do with offering you the vital added protection you've been missing all these years.

I can't wait for what the next generation of these ads brings. Personally, I'm holding out for the “Life Coach Pad”, to help me write a killer CV, vet my boyfriends, remind me to drink some water when I've had one or two many glasses of wine, and clean up after Lucy has helpfully wet herself on the carpet. Again.

Now, when that one comes out, I'm definitely buying...